You don't ever get over something like your parent dying. You never forget it. It's always on your mind. Especially during the happy times in life such as having a child. The loss of a parent never gets easier and life doesn't just go on. Rather life takes on a new normal and you just learn how to live in that new normal. Not because you want to but because you have to. There is no other choice but to roll with the punches and keep trekking along. But you always remember them, you always think back to the happy memories you shared and the moments of regret you would take back in a second if you could.
Expecting my first child, my son, has mustered up a gazillion thoughts and feelings but the strongest is just how much love I have for him and how much love my parents have for me. To think that my parents love me as much as I love my son is overwhelming. To think that 29 years ago they were as excited about my arrival as I am about my child's puts who my parents are in my mind into a whole new perspective. I don't think you realize just how much you are loved by your parents until you have a child yourself. At least I didn't realize.
It makes me very sad to think about my son not growing up with his grandpa around, very sad that my dad won't ever experience being a grandfather. Because his granddaughter and soon to be grandson would have brought him extreme joy. He would have adored them. My dad loved babies and children. He loved us and made it very clear to both my sister and I, every day, that we were his greatest joy. It makes me very sad to think that my dad is possibly feeling sad for missing out on this exciting chapter in his daughters lives. The chapter where they become mothers and he becomes a grandpa. He's supposed to be here for times like these and he's not. It's sad and it's not fair but I wouldn't change his place beside our Saviour for him to be beside me.
So instead I pray and I remind myself of my dads faith and our Saviours promise. I remind myself of my eternal home and I think about the day where I am welcomed into heaven. And I think about my dad waiting for me with outstretched arms and his joyful smile.
My son is due to be born on what would be my dads 61st birthday. I would love nothing more than for my son to share his birthday with his grandpa. For that day to be something my dad has shared with him and to be a piece of my dad my son will have forever. So will you join me? Will you join me in my prayer?